Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
