Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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