I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
