Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
