we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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