i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
My underwear smells like fireworks.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
