i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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