So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
