1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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