best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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