You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
