a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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