I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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