I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
