Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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