Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
