all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
