I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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