i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
