Only a mothe r could love this liver
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
