Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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