Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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