I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize