i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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