haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
