eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
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