If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
