spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Ladies don't puke and tell
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
