the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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