I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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