The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
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