I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
