I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
