Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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