There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
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