The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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