she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
