I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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