i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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