Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize