i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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