before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
4 words: hood of his car
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
