I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
