I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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