I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
