Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
