I wanna bring you to show and tell
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
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