Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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