I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
