i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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