you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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