I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Randomize
