guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize