history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize
