Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
