If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
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