I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
