i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
