Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
