Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
