he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
