Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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